Sunday, May 12, 2013

Special Theory of Relative Cannibalism

Statutory Warning: The views expressed in this article may be unsuitable for the holier-than-thou, self righteous people with low self esteem, no sense of humour or irrational religious beliefs. Also if you are a 10 pointer, this article is not for you. It may be relevant for some low level backlog chap but since you are above all that, why don’t you go to library and borrow some books, a**hole (you know the word)

Of all the violinists considered smart, Einstein was the silliest. For his obsession with relativity had such a profound trickle down effect on our policy makers that they decided to stuff relativity in every possible way they can in our education system, thus turning a perfectly functional, cordial classroom into a $#!thole of cynicism, an every man for himself (or, for that hot girl sitting ahead ) zone. But then, who am I kidding. Hot girls and engineering almost seem like an oxymoron (Being in an oestrogen starved branch makes matters worse). On seconds thoughts, ranting on about hot girls, or rather the lack of them, in a technical college has become such a cliché and since there will always be those thick headed, android 2.1 using orthodox who just can’t suppress their urge to employ a cliché, so I happily leave that topic to them. Soon after falling in this deep sinkhole of higher studies, I uncovered some pretty depressing facts about my beloved college and all of those problems had something to do, in one way or the other, with this concept of relativity which those nonchalant policy makers have such inhumanly embodied in our curriculum (again, screw you Einstein!).If those incompetent old clowns can’t do it to their wives, they do it to their country. And yet, are still voted back to power because of idiots like you (yes, you!). And our college complements that by putting up an atrocious attendance system and by keeping an obscure curriculum, with that redundant train engine and helicopter being an apt symbolism of this obscurity. Legend has it that the Air Force helicopter once landed for a minor repair work and it couldn't fly back. Ever again. True story!

Now, allow me to commit sacrilege on the 10 commandments of our sacred CGPA system in which you get an opportunity to get screwed with your pants on, by a bunch of no life 10 and 9 pointers over and over and over and over and over again (sounds cruel? well, it is). But a few 9 pointers might come in handy for copying assignments from. And the most intelligent decision taken by the authorities (and perhaps the only) is to let 4 photocopy shops open in the PEC market so that the time wasted in photocopying assignments can be considerably reduced. And boy, how much I love assignment deadlines! I almost have a fetish for the jet like sound they make as they fly by. But if you are a 9 pointer (and most likely you are not), then after some time of good intention-ed assignment sharing, you start feeling like an open source software (a prostitute everyone uses but no one pays).

And speaking of grades, getting wasted the night before exams just because of an inconsequential binge dare won’t help your case either. But ‘Dare’ is the one word that makes the ego levels reach the zenith and makes you drink like a fish and smoke like a chimney. ‘No, I am a pussy’ should be your reply because the prospects of a possible one more year of going through that same hell (i.e. year back) don’t seem too appealing. Besides, smoking kills. And if you’re killed, you have lost a very important part of your life. But I know for sure people will continue doing that and the legacy will go on, even though it may seem nonsensical in hindsight. Because, perhaps, making sense is too mainstream (note to self: stop using clichés, you moron!). That one guy defying the mass cut, that one girl submitting assignments on time, it’s because of teacher’s pets like you (again, you!) that the entire class suffers for four consecutive years. If only we could remain unite. You are not special. You are not a beautiful or rare gemstone. You are the same decaying organic matter as everything else. So let us shun our differences and stop fighting over petty issues such as grades and placements. Let’s be united for once and make this world a happier place. Or maybe, smoke weed, get high and give the same number of #*%&s as the number of d**ks in Justin Bieber's pants. Amen.

Written by Rishi Rohan
2nd Year
Mechanical Engineering